Connecticut’s for fucking
That’s all there is to do.
I love to listen to classic rock
and have sex with you.

Doing hole shots at the mall
Writing Ozzy on a wall
Watch the corn get tall
There’s nothing else to do at all.

Goin’ where we always go
Doin’ what we always do
Waitin’ to turn into the people
We are bound to turn into.
What else do other people do?

Connecticut’s for fucking
It’s the Nutmeg state
If we can’t afford to buy antiques
then we just copulate

Connecticut’s for fucking
And Massachusetts too
I want to climb up the sleepy giant
and have sex with you.

Up in Fairfield
In Old Lyme
We’re just fucking all the time.
Out in Derby
Down in Kent
We’re all busy getting bent
In the Constitution State.

Connecticut’s for fucking
While we’re waiting to
Turn into the people
everyone here turns into.

Connecticut’s for fucking.
There’s nothing else to do.
I wanna listen to classic rock and have sex with you.

We all love to fuck in Connecticut.
We’re all getting fucked in Connecticut.
Let’s fuck!

HAPPY ME
© 2005 Mickenberg/Shelton

When you met me
You couldn't believe
How happy happy happy
I was.
Happy, happy, happy me.
I was so able to get close
I was on a megadose
Of happy, happy, happy…
Pharmaceutically,
you fell in love with me.

I seemed so stable
I seemed so able
To commit
Now it sometimes seems
Like I'm not into it.
My elation
Was due to medication,
I’ll admit.
But that was only part of it…

Happy, happy, happy me.
Happy pharmaceutically.
You fell in love with happy, happy me.
Happy, happy, happy me.
I was happy medically.
You made me happy,
Yeah, it's true
But it wasn't only,
it wasn't only you.

I don't want to be full of hate
Everything was great
Is it still
if I don't take my pills?

When you met me,
You couldn’t believe
How happy I was.
Happy, happy, happy me.

Happy, happy, happy me.
Was it only chemistry?
You fell in love with
happy, happy me.
Happy, happy, happy me.
I was happy medically.
You made me happy,
Yeah, it's true
but it wasn't only,
it wasn't only you.

DO ME
© 2005 Mickenberg/Shelton

I heard your wife died the other day
I want to be the one first to say
that I want you to do me!

When I heard that she bit the dust
I was oddly consumed with lust
I was dying for you… to do me.

I’m alone
now so are you.
She is gone, there’s nothing you can do…
but me.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way
that’s why I have the nerve to say
that I’m desperate for you
to do me.
Won’t you do me?

I know it’s sad. I know you’re there, lonely and blue
I know it’s bad that it only makes me even more and more into you.

I know it’s bad. I am a crass opportunist.
But I don’t want to wait.
If I hesitate you’re gonna fall for the girl who’s there soonest.

Seeing you, filled with grief
Makes you hot beyond belief!
So do me.

OBVIOUSLY
© 2005 Mickenberg/Shelton

Obviously you slept with that girl from your reunion.
I just don’t see why you’d deny it
You guys obviously slept together
I don’t care
I mean I think she’s a skank
But whatever.
I don’t care
I just don’t see why you’re denying it
When it’s obvious you two slept together.

By the way introduced you introduced her!
You were both all acting like you share some deep dark secret
Meanwhile she’s gross but whatever
It’s not like I care
Dude I’m not jealous
I’m just grossed out
And I’m just wondering why you’d deny it
when it’s obvious.

Obviously you slept with that girl from your reunion!

I like that you fell asleep on the sofa at my mom’s house
Like, sorry we were so boring.
It’s not like your family's so interesting
Sit up and have a normal conversation
Instead of passing out with boredom at my mom’s house
Kind of rude

Obviously you slept with that girl from your reunion!

Why do you have to drive like an asshole?
You have to drive like right up on the person in front of you’s ass
They slam on their brakes, we’re dead.
You always have to be such a jerk
You get in this pissed off mood when you drive.
Makes it totally unpleasant for me!

Obviously you slept with that girl from your reunion.
Can you lower that?
Can you turn that down?
Can you make it have just a little less bass?
Just turn it off!

VICKI IS A PRO
© 2005 Mickenberg/Shelton

Heard about Vicki from a guy named Dan.
She’s got blonde hair and a salon tan.
She makes you feel like you’re the only man she knows.
Vicky never needs to criticize.
She will swallow all your stupid lies.
She’s a pro.
Vicki is a pro.
She’s never sleepy.
She’s never mean.
No matter how she feels inside,
Vicki always claims she’s satisfied.

Vicki doesn’t care if you’ve got bad hair
She won’t make fun of your underwear
Anywhere you pick is the perfect place to go

If your breath stinks, she won’t tell you so.
The perfect girl for a guy like you to know.
She’s a pro.
Vicki is a pro.
She won’t compare you
to other guys
If your girlfriend’s mad at you
You do what you’ve gotta do.

If you're always late, she won’t complain.
She’ll pretend she loves you just the same.
She’s a pro.
Vicki is a pro.
She’s never grumpy.
She’s always fun.
No matter what a dork you are
She’ll make you feel like a superstar.
Vicki’s the best
Vicki’s a pro
The kind of girl a guy like you should know.

CRAZY GUY
© 2003 Mickenberg/Shelton

Crazy guy…
Why aren’t you obsessed with me?
Why are you obsessed with her?
I’m crazy ‘bout you, crazy guy.

I’m friendly to you.
I meet your crazy gaze.
I’m crazy ‘bout your crazy ways.
I’m crazy ‘bout you, crazy guy.

Why don’t you write me
an incoherent letter?
Why don’t you steal my favorite sweater?
Tattoo my name in misspelled letters
Across your greasy forehead?

Crazy guy
You know it drives me crazy why
It doesn’t feel like you took Spanish Fly
When you stare creepily at me

Why don’t you build me
A trash and garbage tower
Leave a doody in my flowers
Why not lie on your back for hours
Across my dirty doorstep?

Crazy Guy
You know it drives me crazy why
It doesn’t feel like you took Spanish Fly
When you stare creepily at me.
Please stare at me, you crazy guy.

VAMPIRE GIRLS
© 2003 Mickenberg/Shelton

You know those girls who seem like they’re really cool… until you realize that everything that’s cool about them is something they sucked out of their ex-boyfriends? You know the girls I’m talking about: those Vampire Girls…

Teach me how to fix cars.
Teach me how to drink
Teach me about Coltrane.
Teach me how to think.

Syd Barrett, Frank Zappa,
GTOs, Stratacastors
Noam Chomsky, Iggy Pop
Zabrisky Point, PhotoShop
Orson Welles, baseball, sex
Burroughs, Bukowski, Malcolm X

Vampire Girls

Make me compilations.
Teach me how to drive.
Correct my pronunciation
It means you know that I'm alive!

Kenneth Anger. Sun Ra
Hedge funds. Grappa.
Raymond Chandler. Kerouac.
How to play blackjack.
Tim Tim. The Rat Pack.
Karen Black. Balzac.

Vampire Girls

My teachers gave me dolls
I don’t know where Uganda is
I don’t want to be stupid anymore
Take me to the Whitney, take me to the Met
Take me to the Louvre on your corporate jet!

Take me to St. Bart's
From my East Village dive.
Introduce me to Johnny Rotten.
Backstage at Saturday Night Live!

Phillip K. Dick. Cap’n Beefheart.
Jerry Lewis. How to park.
Jeff Koons. Glitter rock.
Indian food. Pop art
Georges Bataille. Get Smart.
Saul Bellow. Asbury Park.

How’d you get so confident? How’d you learn about all these restaurants? You’re so interesting… I could listen to you forever! Teach me how to develop photographs. Let me mix your paints! Can I apprentice from you while you blow glass? Or I’ll just sit here quietly while you think.
Cosmopolitan Magazine taught me how to get a man, now you’re going to have to teach me everything else. I want to be you. I mean, I love you! Introduce me to your contacts. I mean, your parents! Can’t you make me interesting, like you?

ELLEN’S BICOASTAL
© 2004 Mickenberg/Shelton

Ellen is restless.
Ellen needs space.
Ellen gets antsy
She hates to stay in one place.
She’s indecisive.
She can’t commit.
New York’s too cold
L.A.’s full of shit.

When New York feels like a constant fight
She books herself on a Jet Blue flight.
She bought a condo
When the prices were low
Now she goes out there
Whenever it snows.

She likes both places
She likes both things
She likes Shelter Island
She lives Palm Springs

When New York starts to become a drag
She packs her Mac in her Tumi bag.
Ellen’s bicoastal.

She keeps her cosmetics
In a toiletry bag
She takes melatonin
To prevent jet lag.

When she needs a wax
Or when she wants sex
She takes a Lincoln Town Car
Out to LAX.
Ellen’s bicoastal.

SHE’S A SIX
© 2005 Mickenberg/Shelton

I used to wait for a perfect ten
But I’m never gonna go there again
When I need love I get a fix
From a six.

She likes to hang out every night
My friends all thinks sheís very bright
She lives way out in the sticks.
Sheís a six.

When she’s feeling blue
She’s a six point two.
When she’s mad at me
She’s a six point three.
When the sex is great
She’s a six point eight.
When I’m drinking wine.
She’s a six point nine nine nine.

She likes good bands
She’s got cold hands
She’s on the pill
I think sheíll ill
In her own way
She’s a good lay
She’s always free
She’s good for me.
She hangs around with hotter chicks
She thinks the wrestling team are a bunch of dicks.
That’s why I dig that girl.
She’s a six.
Six!

STEVE BAYLOR*
© 2004 Mickenberg/Shelton

Steve Baylor’s finally getting married.
Who’s the lucky girl?
Steve was a bachelor for life.
Now he’s a guy with a ball and chain.
She must have some kind of rack!
He called up all the girls he’d fucked
(Naughty boy!)
To tell them they were out of luck
And to tell them he could be reached on his cell.

NIPPLES
© 2003 Mickenberg/Shelton

It’s summer
So you can see my nipples
Yes, it’s summer
Nipples, nipples, nipples
In the summer
N-n-n-na-na-na-na

Melons…

Who can concentrate with all these boobies in our faces?
Can I babysit your twins?
Knockers

Excuse me mademoiselle
I guess that I was staring
I can’t look you in the eye.
Hooters…

Bouncing, shaking, heaving
Necklace moving when you’re breathing.
Shimmying, shaking, swaying, sweating
I can see your heart beating

I guess she will never drown with those torpedos
She jumps rope and gets black eyes.
It’s summer. So you can see my nipples, yes it’s summer.
It’s summer so we can see your nipples.
Yes it’s summer.

IT’S OK IN THE USA
© 2004 Mickenberg/Shelton

It’s OK to be fat
It’s OK to be loud
OK to be dumb
It’s OK to be proud
And if you think your cat’s a gourmet
It’s OK

It’s OK to be rude
It’s OK do be dense
OK to shoot if it’s in self-defense
And if you write strippers off as a business expense, it’s OK
It’s OK
In the USA

It’s OK to consume
It’s OK not to care
Ok to spend too much time on your hair
If you’ve got to have it your way
It’s OK
(More and more Americans are being treated for what doctors are calling Compassion Fatigue. Compassion Fatigue is when you become immune to the suffering of others. If you suffer from Compassion Fatigue, call 1-800-IFEEL-00.)
(Your home, your family. Nothing is more important. Nothing is more important than your home. Your family. Nothing is more important.)
(Relax. Don’t let fear hold you back. Fear that people will be jealous of your money, your success. You deserve those things and more. You’re a wonderful person.)
It’s OK
In the USA

SOME DAYS
© 2005 Mickenberg/Shelton

Some days you suck.
Some days you drive me up a wall.
Some days when I’m with you I get lonesome for my friends.

But just when I’ve made my mind up
Something changes it again
And it almost feels like we’d be happy together.

Some days you’re dumb.
Some days I wish you’d just shut up
Some days I stay up late and google my ex-boyfriends.

But just when I’ve made my mind up
Something changes it again
And it almost feels like we’d be happy together.

Some days I like your stuff
Some days I like the way you drive
Some days I wake up and thank god that you’re alive.

But just when I’ve made my mind up
Something changes it again…
And I just don’t feel like we’d be happy together.

* The Steve Baylor in this song is a fictitious character. Any resemblance to you is unintentional.